***Severe Trigger Warnings***

Today I am here – doesn’t sound like much of a statement but the fact is I’m lucky I am. I haven’t blogged for a while because I have been sinking into the abyss of depression. Maybe it was January, maybe just the events of the last year or so catching up with me but the last four days were the most terrifying of my life – never to be repeated.
Saturday started out okay. My daughter and I went out in my car doing errands. I treated her to a McFlurry and we came home around lunchtime. Six hours later I am in an ambulance on the way to A and E at the local hospital. What happened – really not much I suppose but to someone already at breaking point it was everything. My son had let go with a rage fuelled vent blaming me for how his life is turning out.
The words he texted me tipped me over the edge. Cruel rage filled words that could never be taken back. I was a crap mother, he couldn’t hold down a relationship because my own marriage to his father had ended, (he ended it but there were extenuating circumstances and we get on fine). It was a never ending onslaught.
I have detailed in my previous blog posts about my childhood. I may not offer society much but I have always tried to be a good mum. My children have always told me I am. But at that moment, in that second I saw, felt nothing and just wanted the pain to stop. So and it is not something I am proud of, I took an overdose of paracetamol. I regretted it immediately and tried to make myself sick. But I hadn’t eaten anything so there was nothing to bring up. They were going directly into my system.
I told my husband what I had done. He dialled emergency services and within an hour I was in A and E having bloods taken. I was put on a 24 hour drip of something to counteract the paracetamol. But that isn’t the end, that’s just the beginning because sometimes that drip doesn’t work. Sometimes they don’t find that out until it’s too late and you are left with the guilt of dying a slow painful death which you didn’t really want, with your family watching you as your organs fail one by one and you gradually slip away.
I was kept in hospital because they found something on my ECG. Then I had to face the fear that despite the drip I had damaged my heart with what I had done. As it turns out it is nothing to do with it. If I hadn’t been in there they might never have found it. But I didn’t find that out until the end. For 48 hours I lived with the fear I had damaged my body irreparably.
They sent the Mental Health Liaison Team to see me. I had a long talk with them and it helped. Now I am at home recuperating. I haven’t contacted my son yet. I need to get stronger first. To be honest I don’t know what to say to him. When he found out what I had done he texted me to tell me I couldn’t even end my life right and then contacted his step dad to say what he catch I was. His dad is sorting him for now. I love him so much – he is my son and I don’t know what I have done wrong. What I do know is that I will never do it again. Next time I might not be as lucky.
If you have thoughts of ending your life, please seek help. Nothing is worth it.