Bed bound and bummed out

Been a bit of a bum day. Been in bed for all of it as I have the makings of flu and it aggravates the symptoms of my ME. My physical illnesses have been getting the better of me lately. I missed my EMDR therapy session last week because I was in too much pain and today I was too ill again. My therapist is on holiday for two weeks now so I won’t see her for another two weeks at least. It will be interesting to see how I cope.

One of the things I hate about my past is how it affects my own mothering. I don’t know a ‘normal’ upbringing so how can I give my children one. I know all parents worry, I’m not stupid – I don’t think I’m the only one but it affects me so deeply when one of my children is upset. It drags me down and frankly shatters my world. I suppose it’s logical really. After all it stands to reason that the unprotected become the protectors, doing all it takes to make their children feel safe and loved.

I still can’t make sense of this year, I don’t think I ever will. Trying to get well has certainly wheedled out the rotting apples in my basket. But I can’t seem to find the peace I need, not yet anyway. It’s Christmas in four weeks. I’ve done all my present shopping and made my cake, it just needs icing. I’ve made an extra one for my grandparents – I know I have to see them, I want too. My grandad is almost 95 and his health isn’t great. But and it’s a big but, what do I say when they ask about my mother and they will. My therapist thinks I should tell them the truth – I want too – but I dont know if I am or ever will be ready.

My grandparents know my abuser was violent to my mother but they don’t know about my abuse. My mother told me they wouldn’t have helped her if she had told them and left him. I told her she was wrong – my therapist says I will never know unless I tell them about what really happened to me growing up. Time will tell I suppose. I will have to see what happens.

Struggling to cope

I haven’t blogged for nearly a month. To be honest I haven’t been in a good place both mentally and physically. I have been struggling to cope with everything that has happened this year. I expected that EMDR therapy was going to bring changes into my life but I wasn’t quite prepared for the amount of loss I would experience.

I lost my so-called best friend. Well didn’t lose, she ghosted me, cut me off without word or reason. That upset me at the time but the fact I got over it so quickly leads me to believe that our relationship wasn’t all that anyhow or I would have cared more about it finishing. But then it was terribly one sided, on my part. She did all the taking, I did all the giving. I only wish I had figured it out prior to paying for her to go on holiday.

My biggest loss has been my mother and it is that I still cannot begin to understand. At the beginning of my EMDR journey I told her that I was doing it for me, that I loved her but it was something I had to do. Any mother would want their child to get well, but it was too much for her. In the end she told me I was disgusting and that cut me to the core. But the thing I cannot shake, the thing that I cannot rationalise is why she felt it necessary to tell me what my abuser, her second husband, had done to her during their marriage.

I witnessed a lot of it, even as a small child I nursed her wounds and consoled her after beatings. I saw it all. But was it really necessary for her passing blow to be her telling me what deprived sexual acts he had subjected her too. What kind of mother does that. It’s as if she wants to persuade me her abuse was worse. I can’t shake it from my head and it is destroying me.

I have gone into myself since then – bar my children no one can reach me. I see the pain in my husband’s eyes and I don’t know what to say to him. It’s as if I have nothing left. My bulimia is back with a vengeance. I vomit daily – sometimes I don’t even have to make myself – it just happens. I am empty now. I have nothing left to give. I am disgusting. She has won.

Music has always been of great comfort to me.

My song for today – “Let it Rain”, by Clare Bowen

https://youtu.be/146DT8ShGHY

Christmas Cheer – or is it?

You hear and read a lot about how, if you do the same action you will always get the same outcome, so this week I have started to try and change that. I have always started my Christmas preparations early. I start off with really good intentions, that this year will be different and I won’t get the pre-Christmas sadness that hits me every year.

As a small child I can remember loving Christmas. Granted we never had much money when my mum was a single parent, but I loved the buildup to it, all the sparkly lights on the tree, being in the Nativity at school and carols, how I love carols. But my memories seem to be marred by bad memories that trigger panic attack’s and emotions in me that I have never been able to overcome.

My worst memory of Christmas is when I was about six or seven. My mum was married to my abuser at the time. He loved a drink at the best of times and Christmas only made his alcohol consumption increase. This particular Christmas we had been woken to a stash of lovely presents left by Santa. Since my mum married him, our money situation had increased but only if he was in the mood to hand it over. It was only as an adult I found out how hard my mother had had to beg for money.

That particular year I had desperately wanted a swinging crib for my Tiny Tears doll and Santa had bought me one complete with drapes and matching bed linen. With the turkey in the oven, my mum and stepfather had gone over the pub leaving my brother and I behind playing with our Christmas presents. I don’t remember how long they were gone but I sure as hell remember them coming home. They were both intoxicated. He had gone on a bender and my mum had tried to match him drink for drink.

Then it started. First the shouting, then the sounds of smashing, crashing, bumps, screaming, it went on and on. My mum told us to go into the dining room for safety so we did as we were told and took refuge under the table. The shouting and smashing continued. Some time later she came in again and joined us in our hiding place.

The door opened and my stepfather appeared. Something was glinting in his hand, it was the carving knife. ‘I’m leaving’ he said, ‘ and if any of you try to stop me, I will f***ing kill you!’ As he walked out my mum ran after him begging him to stay. I can remember my brother and I screaming for her to come back, remembering what he had said would happen if we tried to stop him leaving. He left.

We were left surveying the damage. The house had been smashed to pieces. Every present broken. My beautiful swinging crib lay in pieces in the lounge. My mum realised we hadn’t eaten so went into the kitchen to make us something. Not content with wrecking the house he had taken the plug off every appliance in the kitchen. ‘Turkey and chips it is,’ she said.

A few hours later the door opened and he walked back in. ‘No trains today,’ he said, ‘I’ll go tomorrow.’ He never went. He obviously wheedled his way back into my mum’s good books because they were soon acting as if nothing had never happened.

The damage stayed with me though. It doesn’t take much to trip my mood at Christmas. I don’t mean I get angry. When my mood changes I go into the pits of despair and there I stay until after New Year and I cry, I cry a lot.

So this Christmas I have decided to try and change things. Even though my eldest has now moved out and he and his younger brother and sister are spending it with their dad this year, I am putting the same amount of effort into it as I used to when they were small. Like then, I have made my own Christmas cakes and pickles. I have spend ages designing how I will wrap everyone’s gifts and what we will eat. I have almost finished my gift shopping already and know exactly what theme my decorations will be.

This year Christmas will be different. My mother and her third husband are no longer in my life having disowned me; my closest ‘best’ friend may have ghosted me without telling me why, but I have MY family, my husband, my two sons, my daughter , my stepson and my two loyal Shih tzus. And as hard as it is, I am doing really well with my EMDR therapy. I know I have already banished some old demons. Maybe this year it will be a Merry Christmas after all.

Moving on by letting go …

I woke up in extreme pain again today and didn’t relish the thought of going to my EMDR therapy session. It wasn’t just the session that was on my mind but the 45 mins drive there and back. But I had already cancelled last week and you have to pay whether you go or not so off I went at 10am. Halfway there my back went into such a big spasm that I had to pull over for a while so I could recover.

When I arrived my therapist as always asked how the time had been since my last session. I then explained that I had been dreading my birthday. On any birthday I reminisce about the precious year but this year I was 50, a milestone in anyone’s life.

I had started the year with such optimism, that this year was going to be different. Perhaps I had expected way too much but I didn’t expect the year to turn out the way it has. I had been told at the outset that people in my inner circle might not like how my therapy ‘changed’ me.

In my mother’s case I suppose I was hoping that she would acknowledge her role in how my past had shaped and affected me, both mentally and physically. I didn’t expect a grovelling apology, a simple sorry would have sufficed. The outpouring of insults and abuse I received instead came as a complete shock. This has been hard to bear, I see it as yet another betrayal, the ultimate one being when I was told that the sexual abuse I received at the hands of her second husband was somehow my doing, my fault. I was the victim, an innocent child, how could she see me as being to blame.

My husband says I should see my 50th as a new start, the start of a new life. Perhaps he is right. Maybe that is how I should approach the next chapter. It couldn’t really be any worse than the last one.

Photo from Christieinge.com

Happy birthday to me

It’s my birthday today. The day I’ve been dreading. I’m 50 years old today. I haven’t been dreading being 50, age is but a number. No, I’ve been dreading my birthday. Granted I have never been one for birthdays – I hate being the centre of attention despite what my step-father says.

When it’s your birthday you are suppose to revel in the spotlight, everyone expects you to behave in a certain way. You’re supposed to smile and be happy all day but I just don’t feel like it, I haven’t even got up yet. I will have to in a minute – I can stay in bed all day. But then I will have to put on my birthday face, be all excited about gifts and cards my nearest and dearest have bought for me. Except this year it’s different. This year there will be no birthday wish from my mother, not since she disowned me. My sin, wanting to be well.

It is now nearly thirteen weeks since I last heard from her and far more weeks since I saw her. The last text message she sent me was to say that all the disgusting abusive text messages my stepfather, her third husband, had sent were sent to me with her full knowledge and blessing. It was also to explain in graphic detail things my abuser, her second husband, had done to her. These things she could tell me, she said, because she was never going to see me again. I can only assume it was to make me feel that her life had been much worse than mine therefore justifying her renewed hatred of me and nullifying any pain I was feeling. After all, the abuse I had suffered was my fault – her words.

As I am writing this I have now reached the evening of my birthday. The day has been quite pleasant, more pleasant than I thought it would be. My husband, children and my stepson have made it their aim to make me feel special. The cards they purchased had lovely handwritten messages of love in them – cards have always meant far more to me than gifts. Words from the heart mean the world. To have them in my life I am blessed.

My pain has been terrible today though. Not even my strongest pain killers have worked. This normally happens when I am really stressed or depressed so taking into account the day, I don’t think that should come as a big surprise to me. It took me a good few hours and a very hot bath to make it down the stairs to see everyone.

I heard nothing from my mother today. I do find it amazing that despite all that my elder brother has put her through and trust me when I say it is a lot, his birthday has never been forgotten. My crime has been to try and get well and finally put my past behind me. She obviously meant it when she said she could no longer have me in her life.

Depressed and fed up

I’m in a foul mood and I don’t know why. The slightest thing makes me snap – I feel like a grenade waiting to go off. I couldn’t even face going to therapy yesterday. Admittedly I am in a lot of pain at the moment so that gave me the excuse I needed. I’ll have to pay for the session anyway, lack of notice but even that didn’t stop me. I just want to go to bed and wake up in about ten years, maybe even longer. I haven’t even got the energy to cry.

For example I took my daughter horse riding and cane back to find my husband painting the bedroom doors upstairs – we are currently mid decorate of the hall, landing and stairs. Now most women would love a husband that just gets on with the decorating but he didn’t think how daughter was doing to get in to have a shower. That put me in a crabby mood. Now I just feel pissed off and ungrateful.

It’s my 50th birthday in four days and as the day approaches I just feel more and more fed up. I mean what a year, I’ve managed simultaneously to lose my parents and my ‘best’ friend. Granted my mum disowned me because I started therapy and she can’t cope with it. As for my ‘best’ friend, I have absolutely no idea as she just stopped all contact with me without explanation. So it must be me right? I am the deciding factor in both cases so surely it’s my fault.

I had such high hopes for this year but it’s even more crappier than the last one. My husband has planned a special day for me but I really can’t be bothered. I don’t see any reason to celebrate being here.

I hate everything about me, my new hair cut, (should have left it the colour it was, appointment made to change it back); my weight, (bulimia in full on mode at the moment as it has been since my mum disowned me 12 weeks ago yesterday); my body, (fed up with being in constant pain all the time despite all the meds I take), basically I hate ME.

Self pitying moan over.

If only we could buy happiness

‘Happiness can’t be bought’. That is what the Dalai Lama said. ‘Mental peace cannot be injected by any doctor’. I read that in ‘The Little Book of Wisdom’, by his holiness the Dalai Lama. It would be wonderful though wouldn’t it if we could go into a shop and purchase happiness or place an online order for some. But then again that would then make it only available for those who had monetary resources available to buy some. The rest of society would be poor and miserable,

Happiness comes in many forms. For me it is when my life is on an even keel, no short sharp shocks or nasty surprises. Or when those closest to me are happy, that brings me pleasure. Finding happiness is one of the many reasons I am slogging through EMDR therapy and it is a slog. There are many days after my weekly session that I wonder what the hell I am doing, why I am putting myself through it. After all I have lost so much with my decision to do it but I have gained so much for myself.

The changes in my personality might not be noticeable to others but I notice them. It takes more to rattle me and I am calmer when rattled. I used to bite when backed into a corner, fight or flight they call it. But now I seem to be able to pause and take a breath, taking time to decide what to do or say. And it does bug the ‘rattler’ because an argument is hard to carry on when it is one-sided. Don’t get me wrong, I still get rattled but the number of times that a situation escalates is much lower than previously.

EMDR also makes you aware of situations that have deeply affected you that until that point you are completely oblivious to. By processing this you clear space in you mind for the happy memories to come through, things that have been long forgotten.

Maybe when all this is over I will finally find the happiness and inner peace I have seeked for so long.