I haven’t blogged for nearly a month. To be honest I haven’t been in a good place both mentally and physically. I have been struggling to cope with everything that has happened this year. I expected that EMDR therapy was going to bring changes into my life but I wasn’t quite prepared for the amount of loss I would experience.
I lost my so-called best friend. Well didn’t lose, she ghosted me, cut me off without word or reason. That upset me at the time but the fact I got over it so quickly leads me to believe that our relationship wasn’t all that anyhow or I would have cared more about it finishing. But then it was terribly one sided, on my part. She did all the taking, I did all the giving. I only wish I had figured it out prior to paying for her to go on holiday.
My biggest loss has been my mother and it is that I still cannot begin to understand. At the beginning of my EMDR journey I told her that I was doing it for me, that I loved her but it was something I had to do. Any mother would want their child to get well, but it was too much for her. In the end she told me I was disgusting and that cut me to the core. But the thing I cannot shake, the thing that I cannot rationalise is why she felt it necessary to tell me what my abuser, her second husband, had done to her during their marriage.
I witnessed a lot of it, even as a small child I nursed her wounds and consoled her after beatings. I saw it all. But was it really necessary for her passing blow to be her telling me what deprived sexual acts he had subjected her too. What kind of mother does that. It’s as if she wants to persuade me her abuse was worse. I can’t shake it from my head and it is destroying me.
I have gone into myself since then – bar my children no one can reach me. I see the pain in my husband’s eyes and I don’t know what to say to him. It’s as if I have nothing left. My bulimia is back with a vengeance. I vomit daily – sometimes I don’t even have to make myself – it just happens. I am empty now. I have nothing left to give. I am disgusting. She has won.
Music has always been of great comfort to me.
My song for today – “Let it Rain”, by Clare Bowen
It’s my birthday today. The day I’ve been dreading. I’m 50 years old today. I haven’t been dreading being 50, age is but a number. No, I’ve been dreading my birthday. Granted I have never been one for birthdays – I hate being the centre of attention despite what my step-father says.
When it’s your birthday you are suppose to revel in the spotlight, everyone expects you to behave in a certain way. You’re supposed to smile and be happy all day but I just don’t feel like it, I haven’t even got up yet. I will have to in a minute – I can stay in bed all day. But then I will have to put on my birthday face, be all excited about gifts and cards my nearest and dearest have bought for me. Except this year it’s different. This year there will be no birthday wish from my mother, not since she disowned me. My sin, wanting to be well.
It is now nearly thirteen weeks since I last heard from her and far more weeks since I saw her. The last text message she sent me was to say that all the disgusting abusive text messages my stepfather, her third husband, had sent were sent to me with her full knowledge and blessing. It was also to explain in graphic detail things my abuser, her second husband, had done to her. These things she could tell me, she said, because she was never going to see me again. I can only assume it was to make me feel that her life had been much worse than mine therefore justifying her renewed hatred of me and nullifying any pain I was feeling. After all, the abuse I had suffered was my fault – her words.
As I am writing this I have now reached the evening of my birthday. The day has been quite pleasant, more pleasant than I thought it would be. My husband, children and my stepson have made it their aim to make me feel special. The cards they purchased had lovely handwritten messages of love in them – cards have always meant far more to me than gifts. Words from the heart mean the world. To have them in my life I am blessed.
My pain has been terrible today though. Not even my strongest pain killers have worked. This normally happens when I am really stressed or depressed so taking into account the day, I don’t think that should come as a big surprise to me. It took me a good few hours and a very hot bath to make it down the stairs to see everyone.
I heard nothing from my mother today. I do find it amazing that despite all that my elder brother has put her through and trust me when I say it is a lot, his birthday has never been forgotten. My crime has been to try and get well and finally put my past behind me. She obviously meant it when she said she could no longer have me in her life.
‘Happiness can’t be bought’. That is what the Dalai Lama said. ‘Mental peace cannot be injected by any doctor’. I read that in ‘The Little Book of Wisdom’, by his holiness the Dalai Lama. It would be wonderful though wouldn’t it if we could go into a shop and purchase happiness or place an online order for some. But then again that would then make it only available for those who had monetary resources available to buy some. The rest of society would be poor and miserable,
Happiness comes in many forms. For me it is when my life is on an even keel, no short sharp shocks or nasty surprises. Or when those closest to me are happy, that brings me pleasure. Finding happiness is one of the many reasons I am slogging through EMDR therapy and it is a slog. There are many days after my weekly session that I wonder what the hell I am doing, why I am putting myself through it. After all I have lost so much with my decision to do it but I have gained so much for myself.
The changes in my personality might not be noticeable to others but I notice them. It takes more to rattle me and I am calmer when rattled. I used to bite when backed into a corner, fight or flight they call it. But now I seem to be able to pause and take a breath, taking time to decide what to do or say. And it does bug the ‘rattler’ because an argument is hard to carry on when it is one-sided. Don’t get me wrong, I still get rattled but the number of times that a situation escalates is much lower than previously.
EMDR also makes you aware of situations that have deeply affected you that until that point you are completely oblivious to. By processing this you clear space in you mind for the happy memories to come through, things that have been long forgotten.
Maybe when all this is over I will finally find the happiness and inner peace I have seeked for so long.