I don’t know how much longer I can do this and by this I mean life. I tried starting this blog once before, in April, when I started EMDR therapy. Managed a few posts then stopped it and deleted everything – I suppose I was scared my mum would find the site and read everything. Well that’s not a problem anymore.
I found out during our last meeting nine weeks ago and in many text messages since, exactly what she things of me. It seems I’m to blame for my stepfather, her second husband, sexually abusing me for 12 years, from age 6 to 18 to be exact. I should have told her. But I did, I told her the first time it happened and she asked him if he had done it. He obviously denied it – well I don’t know many paedophiles who would hold their hand up and say, “yep, you got me”. She told me to tell her if it happened again. I didn’t, therefore in her eyes it is my fault.
I always thought she blamed me and I was right. Her third husband has joined in now, my god you wouldn’t believe the things he has said to me and I thought he was different. He is “ashamed he ever loved someone like me”. I really think I would be better off dead. Maybe it would be better for everyone. I just want it all to end.
(Picture by Haenuli, South Korea)