When will it stop hurting?

I don’t know how much longer I can do this and by this I mean life.  I tried starting this blog once before, in April, when I started EMDR therapy.  Managed a few posts then stopped it and deleted everything – I suppose I was  scared my mum would find the site and read everything.  Well that’s not a problem anymore.

I found out during our last meeting nine weeks ago and in many text messages since, exactly what she things of me.  It seems I’m to blame for my stepfather, her second husband, sexually abusing me for 12 years, from age 6 to 18 to be exact.   I should have told her.  But I did, I told her the first time it happened and she asked him if he had done it.  He obviously denied it – well I don’t know many paedophiles who would hold their hand up and say, “yep, you got me”.  She told me to tell her if it happened again.  I didn’t, therefore in her eyes it is my fault.

I always thought she blamed me and I was right.  Her third husband has joined in now, my god you wouldn’t believe the things he has said to me and I thought he was different.  He is “ashamed he ever loved someone like me”.   I really think I would be better off dead.   Maybe it would be better for everyone.  I just want it all to end.

(Picture by Haenuli, South Korea)

5 thoughts on “When will it stop hurting?

  1. Hey, I was really looking forward to your next blog post. This blog encouraged me to try EMDR, I’ve booked a session for end of this month.

    Those comments they said to you are completely effingly unjustified. Just shows that they have messed up emotions themselves and they’re throwing it on you.

    I wish I knew too when it will stop hurting. I really wish I did. Don’t know how much longer I can do this too. I just want to escape but fear that the next thing will be worse. Classic depression right.

    Not gonna say any generic line like it gets better because who really knows right, and I personally hate it when people say it to me.

    But one thing I know for sure –the world would not be better off without you. Your blog has played an important role in my healing journey, and I’m very thankful for that ❤, and I think it can help so many more along the road.

    Like

    1. I really needed your message this morning and can’t say what it did for me. Depression is a killer, literally.

      I’m glad you are starting EMDR. I’m not going to say it will be an easy journey. Lord knows mine isn’t but, prior to the last couple of months worth of abuse from my parents I was feeling a little better. I could see it working. I suppose that’s why I’ve kept going now. It’s an all or nothing situation. So thank you again.

      Good luck and much love.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel you with the all or nothing. I’m scared about EMDR tbh. My therapist says oh it’ll be fine but I read stories online and I panic. I did psychodynamic therapy before and that was TERRIBLE. After every session for three days straight I could not operate, was on the bed like a dead body but wailing uncontrollably. I hope EMDR is not that bad

    Like

    1. I am not going to say EMDR is easy cause if isn’t. It is extremely tough going. It brings up memories and feelings that are long suppressed or forgotten. But and it is a big but, I find it is helping me. I cannot speak for everyone. I have tried every type of therapy going and have found EMDR the most helpful. Remember to look after yourself. You can only do one session a week because of how tough it is. I plan a quiet day the day before and always take myself off to bed early the day I have therapy to be alone with my thoughts of the day. My husband and children are fully aware of this and know they can come and see me and that they have done nothing wrong etc. EMDR is very tiring. You may also experience very vivid dreams after a session. This is just your brain processing what you have dealt with so don’t be frightened by them. Good luck, you can do this and remember you are not alone in this.

      Much love.

      Liked by 1 person

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