I’m fifty this year and for nearly forty of those years I have suffered from depression.  It has affected my mental and physical health dramatically and has got progressively worse over the last two to two and a half years.  So much so that in April of this year I started EMDR Therapy.  EMDR stands for Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing.

Devised by Francine Shapiro in the 1990s EMDR is a form of pyschotherapy where a person recalls distressing memories and using bilateral sensory input such as side to side eye movements, hand tapping or electronic buzzers the distressing memories are reprocessing.  It is used for treating PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

EMDR is my last ditch attempt at overcoming my emotional demons.   My emotional self is a mess.  I suppose an insight would help you to understand how I ended up here, confiding in a load of strangers about the inner workings of my brain?

Like I said, I’m fifty, well almost.  My biological father was a criminal, the proverbial Peter Pan.   He disappeared from my life when I was a baby and bar seeing him when I was 21 for a few months, I haven’t seen him since.

When I was six my mother married for the second time.  That was when the sexual abuse started.  It carried on for 12 years, only ending two weeks into my first relationship.  The first relationship turned into my first marriage, so I wasn’t the slut he accused me of being in the early hours of the morning he slapped me across the face and threw me out.  During those years,  I picked my mum up off the floor many times.  He didn’t just abuse me, he beat the crap out of my mother on a regular basis.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was ten years old and given tablets to take for “anxiety state”.  I have been on them ever since.  Those years have shaped the rest of my life.  I managed to hold down a job but gave up work due to ill health nearly twenty years ago.

I have been diagnosed with Ehler Danlos Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Pain Syndrome, amongst other things.  However my childhood has resulted in me suffering CPTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as Somatization Disorder.  Over the years like most people I have suffered from traumatic life events, the ability to cope them being shaped by my past in an extremely negative way.

During a psychiatric assessment EMDR therapy was discussed as being of potential benefit so I began it in April of this year   It is anticipated that the reprocessing of my traumatic events will take over a year so I have a long way to go.  It  is fair to say that I am finding the process extremely difficult.  You are advised at the beginning of therapy that it may affect your relationships along the way.  In my case this has played it as true., something I was as I said made aware of but am still shocked by the vindictiveness that has come my way.

I started this blog both as a way of ridding my brain of the negativity of daily life as well as hopefully aiding my therapy in a positive way.